Disclaimer: I know it’s been a minute, but Part 3 of my testimony will be coming soon. I just have to share a few thangs I observed during my vacation in my next couple of posts…
December 15, 2014: I love being black. I strongly believe being black is a gift from God. Not knocking any other race, because all people are beautiful, but as a black person, I must say that from a personal standpoint, it’s pretty friggin’ awesome.
Sure, we’ve been the brunt of white supremacy, racism, social injustice and police brutality for the past 300 odd years and counting (I’ll share my sentiments on the most recent tragic events in a future post) but I like to think there’s a reason behind it. Like a deep-rooted, subconscious vendetta that people try to avoid because they’re too scared or ashamed to admit it. Coincidentally, acquiring ‘black attributes’ seems to be in trend nowadays. And by that, I’m referring to the full lips, massive butts, bronze-y complexions and strong, defined facial features. Prime example: the Kardashians (aka the KKK 2.0).
Take one already-rich white chick named Kimberly (I don’t care what her actual ethnic background is… she’s white), place her in a sex tape with a non-factor black dude from the entertainment industry, leak it to the masses, have her money-crazed Olivia Pope of a momager reverse her image to make sexual exploitation look “cool” somehow, throw on her a spray tan and a ton of grade-A facial and butt lifts to make it look like she “woke up like ‘dis,” sell her soul to a major reality TV network with her clueless clan of sisters, have her eventually link up with one of the biggest hip hop entertainers in the industry, then put her infamous ass(ets) on the cover of a European magazine (literally mimicking the stereotypical exploitation of black women, by the way) to — hashtag — “Break the Internet” and, bam! Being non-black with ‘black attributes’ is suddenly a “thing.” I’ve actually witnessed this firsthand while on vacation with my family. One word: tanning.
It’s so funny watching white people tan. Only because they seem so serious while doing it. They pick just the right spot where the sun is beaming, throw on a ton of sun screen and then lay out in the sun for hours until they wind up looking like an overcooked, honey-baked ham. And as they’re tanning, they turn over on each side every 30-40 minutes to ensure their entire body is evenly cooked — I mean, bronzed… Or sunburnt. It’s actually quite hilarious.
Don’t get me wrong, I like to lay out and get a little extra sun glow, myself (melanin is on fleek right now), but as a non-white observer of the white-person tanning ritual, I can’t help but chuckle. Especially when tanning for me consists of sitting out in the sun for a good 40 minutes to an hour — sans any sun screen — while looking cute, sipping on a piña colada and reading the hilarious Mindy Kaling’s memoir… and then becoming inspired by my random people-watching observations to write this blog post on my iPad.
Since I’m currently sitting on the deck of a huge ship sailing a seven-day Caribbean cruise, I have no way of getting this up in real time (not about that $30/day Wi-Fi package life). So by the time you read this, I’ll be walking in a below-freezing winter wonderland (Michigan), wishing I was back in tropical, 80-degree paradise.
Update (aka Personal Moment of Humility): As I was writing this post, I didn’t realize that while I was being thoroughly entertained from watching white people tan, I was actually just as capable of getting sunburnt, myself (see hideous pic below). And I did. Well, actually, just my nose. But my point is, black people need sun screen, too…at least for our noses. Just an FYI.