Now that I’ve finally gotten what I needed to get off my chest, I can gracefully sashay along to other topics. And by “other topics,” I’m specifically referring to all my ladies. I have more than a few major concerns regarding us women, but today I’ll just focus on one — Ladies, we gotta stop giving these dudes too much, too soon.
Before I proceed, let me be clear on who exactly I’m addressing here. I’m talking to the plethora of us women who feel the need to overcompensate ourselves – emotionally, physically, mentally and/or financially – for a man who could honestly give zero minus two ‘f-bombs’ about us. I’m talknbout those of us who constantly express how focused we are on being single and loving ourselves first, only to turn around five minutes later to allow the first non-deserving scrub that looks our way immediate access to our hearts, minds and bodies. I’m talknbout those of us who feel like every guy we meet off the street could potentially be “the one” before we even learn their full name, let alone their standards, values and motives.
Now if, by any chance, you happen to be one of those rare-breed, superhuman females who has never gotten emotionally attached to a man and eventually played for a complete and utter fool, kudos to you and keep living, boo. But for those of you who, like me, have actually gotten burned once or several million times in your life, keep reading, sis. Lord only knows how many times I’ve been emotionally bamboozled, so it’s only right that I share a story from my very own, personal ‘Let It Burn’ saga of life and love. Enjoy.
So there was this one guy I dated briefly a few years ago. And by briefly, I mean like not even a whole month briefly. We met one night when I was out with my girls, exchanged numbers, and went out on a few dates shortly thereafter. He was a cutie, but at that point in my life my eyes were much bigger than my self esteem and common sense combined. I hadn’t dated anyone in a while, so I was mostly just happy to be getting some attention from a decent-looking guy who seemed to have it together. Within a matter of two and a half weeks, I had already gone to this dude’s place, convinced myself that I wouldn’t sleep with him, gave in and slept with him, and got hooked.
So much so, that I started to completely tune out all of the red flags that I had been ignoring from Day 1. Like him calling me at certain times of the day (he rarely ever called at night), never answering any of my calls, and him not wanting to hang out anywhere around where he stayed. Over and over I would give this dude the benefit of the doubt, until one night when we were talking on the phone and randomly got “disconnected” mid-convo. I called him back, no answer. Called him a couple more times, still no answer. Then eventually I got a text from him saying he’d call me back, that he was on the phone with his dad. That’s when my “BS” alarm signals went off. Ladies, you know what I’m talking about — that terrible, gut-wrenching feeling that this negro has just fed you a big pile of fresh, ripe cow manure.
So, I did what just about any sane-gone-crazy woman would do in this scenario — blow up his phone. I must’ve called this man a hundred times before a Facebook notification popped up on my phone. It was a message from some girl, informing me that she was dude’s girlfriend. She explained that she was sitting right next to dude (more likely in bed), and that she had seen my name popping up on his phone repeatedly. She also said he had told her I was some crazy ex trying to rekindle old flames. After stating all of this, she politely asked me to stop calling her man.
I immediately replied to homegirl, explaining that I had actually been going out with dude for the past three weeks, and had just seen him the day before. I told her I had no idea he was in a relationship, and that she and I had both gotten played. Then I told her she didn’t have to worry about me calling her psycho boyfriend ever again, and that I hoped she wasn’t planning on staying with his cheating, two-timing, pathologically lying behind — she did (sigh). I then took a screenshot of the entire thread, sent it to dude, and told him to never, ever contact me again. Of course, he did anyway, trying to add more muck to his pile of lies. The sad part is, I almost allowed myself to believe him. Thankfully I came to my senses, blocked his number, and kept it moving.
So what’s the moral of the story here?
- Get to know him! A lot of times, we as women think backwards when it comes to dating someone. We automatically think that if he’s showing interest, he must care about me. And if he cares about me, he must be OK to sleep with. No, sis. Take the time you spend together to figure this dude out. What does he do for a living? What is his faith? What does he like to read? Does he even know how to read? What is his family like? What are his finances like? What are his friends like? What makes him upset? It’s important to know the person you’re dealing with before you decide to sleep with them. Believe me, I know.
- NEVER ignore the red flags. If a color-blind bull can see one, so can we. If you notice something that ain’t quite right with bruh, keep a mental note of it and store it in your personal Red Flag file. And if you notice a ‘sketch pattern’ starting to develop, cut him off before you allow yourself to become too emotionally invested. It’s honestly not worth the heartache, sis.
- Don’t place yourself in vulnerable situations. Like many of us women do far too often, I had convinced myself that I was strong enough to go over to this dude’s crib and chill all up in his bedroom without giving up the goodies. That is plain and utter foolery — and dangerous. If you don’t intend to sleep with a man you just started hanging out with, don’t go to his crib, the one place where he feels comfortable and invincible. I don’t care if he tells you he wants to whip you up a five-course, gourmet, gluten-free meal at his place. Go on Yelp, find a 5-star restaurant that serves gluten-free quiche and calamari, and have bruh man take you there. Real men love a challenge. If he’s not up for it, he wasn’t worth your precious time — or goodies — in the first place.
- NEVER EVER seek validation from the side chick. In case you’re wondering, I was the side chick in this scenario (although it was unbeknownst to me at the time). And the girlfriend, homegirl who hit me up on Facebook, was flat-out wrong for reaching out to me. Why? Because her man was the one she should’ve been confronting — not me. If you feel the need to reach out to a complete stranger about your relationship problems, you probably shouldn’t be in that relationship in the first place because that means you don’t trust the person you’re in it with.
- Learn from your mistakes. There’s a blessing in every lesson. And I have plenty of those, so stay tuned. 🙂