If I had a penny for every time someone asked me why I’m single, I’d have enough to ball out on a party-size bag of sour cream & cheddar-flavored Ruffles and two whole packs of Orbit spearmint gum (because, although savory and delicious, them cheddar Ruffles be having a sista’s breath on 10 — which, come to think of it, is probably one of the reasons why I’m single).
Point is, I’d have a crap-load of pennies. Because I get asked that question A LOT. And not just by some random, obnoxious yob off the street who seemingly has no respect or regard for personal boundaries (which reminds me — fellas, I’ve got a bone to pick with y’all, but I’ll save that for another day). I also get asked the occasional “How much longer before you get a tan line on that ring finger” wringer from my kinfolk. And by “occasional” I mean like literally at every family occasion (ESPECIALLY if that occasion happens to be another one of my first cousins’ weddings). Lordt.
So anyway, I took the liberty of conducting a formal, sit-down interview with myself to get some real-and-raw answers as to why I am single. The transcript is below:
Me: Why am I single?
Myself: *chuckles* That’s a pretty loaded question.
Me: Well, the people want to know.
Myself: Before I answer that, here’s my question: Is being single necessarily a bad thing?
Me: I’m the one doing the interview here. You tell me.
Myself: Well, I say it’s not. For one thing, I just got out of a serious relationship a few months ago.
Me: Really? What happened with that?
Myself: I’d rather not go into all of that right now. But what I will say is that I learned a lot from that relationship.
Me: Is that so? And what did you learn?
Myself: Like how differently men and women think and communicate in general. And I also learned a lot about myself. Not just as a woman, but as a person. Like how I react to certain things versus how I should react, how I process and internalize things, what I like and don’t like, what makes me tick, what makes me smile, things like that. So basically, I’m at a point where I am constantly evaluating myself. I’m taking what I’ve learned from that relationship and applying it to the here and now. And not even necessarily in relation to men. More so, in relation to God, my family and friends, and myself.
Me: Sounds like you’ve been doing some pretty serious soul-searching.
Myself: That’s exactly what I’ve been doing. A lot of reading, writing, thinking, self-evaluating and praying. I’ve grown a lot and I still have a lot of growing to do. Being single has actually been a very beautiful, spiritual process for me.
Me: How so?
Myself: It just causes you to have a different perspective on things. At least for me it does. Like at first when my ex and I broke up, I wasn’t sure how to be single because I was so used to being in a relationship. We were together for 2 years and we were in love. I had become so dependent on that that I didn’t know how to be by myself. But I’m learning that being single is probably the most important relationship a person could ever be in because it’s literally having a relationship with God and yourself at the same time.
Me: Wow! I never thought of it that way before. So how is that relationship going for you?
Myself: Really good. And it’s only getting better. I think a lot of single people my age — women, particularly — feel like they are at a disadvantage because they don’t have the security of being in a committed relationship. And then social media certainly doesn’t help. But a relationship takes work — especially a successful one. Which is why being single is so pivotal, because it gives you that time to think, reflect and learn about yourself. When my ex and I first broke up, it was very awkward because I didn’t know how to just be by myself. And honestly, I really didn’t know God. I thought I did, but I didn’t.
Me: And you feel like you do now?
Myself: I mean, of course I’m still learning, but I know a lot more than I did before. A lot of stuff makes sense now. It’s like having a huge “aha” moment. The more I learn about Him, the more it pushes me to be a better woman. For Him, and for myself. And I really think that’s the foundation for any successful relationship — knowing God. Because really, how can you properly give or receive love from another person when you don’t even know how to love yourself? And how can you truly love yourself when you don’t even know God, who is Love? Love is a fundamental process.
Me: Girl, you gettin’ deep on me up in here! Do you love yourself now?
Myself: I do, but there are things I’m still learning to accept about myself. But I’m definitely a lot more comfortable and a lot more confident. Meaning I’m not afraid to be by myself anymore, because I know I’m not alone. It’s a serene, beautiful feeling that I honestly haven’t felt since I was recovering from my illness a few years ago. Of course, you know all about that.
Me: Yes, I do. That was a very huge turning point.
Myself: It definitely was.
Me: So you’re OK with being single?
Myself: Yes, I am. I mean, I would be lying if I said I never wanted to get married and build a family. Of course I want that. But I can’t focus on who my future husband is because I’ve been too busy evaluating myself. Like sometimes I look at myself and think, if I were a dude, would I marry me right now? Probably not. I still have some work to do. And I’m sure whoever God has for me is out there getting worked on too. So until we both get it together and cross paths, I’m just continuing to focus on building myself spiritually, mentally and physically.
Me: That’s so awesome. So what’s going on with you now?
Myself: Well, I’m starting my new job next week so I’m excited to be embarking on this new chapter in my career. So stay tuned for that. Other than that, just hanging out with my girls, traveling, eating, doing yoga, reading, and writing, of course. I actually just started this blog series that I’m really excited about. It’s called “The Miseducation of Men & Women,” and it’s basically discussing principles I’ve learned through different relationships and reading about the unique roles that men and women play in relation to God. I’m currently reading Understanding the Purpose and Power of the Woman and Man series by Dr. Myles Munroe, and it has enlightened me in so many ways. So keep a look out for my next post on that! I’m excited to share and discuss what I’ve been learning.
Me: Well I can’t wait! Is there anything else you’d like to share?
Myself: No, I’m starting to get a headache. I think we’ve been talking a little too much.