Last night’s episode of Empire was a whole n’other season’s worth of story lines and plot twists crammed into 120 minutes. It was literally too much. I’ma just cut right to the chase:
Cookie has fireside sex on a dead animal with Head of Security Bae (Lawd!); petty, Drake-acting Lucious finds out about said secret getaway and fires Cookie, HOSB quits to take a job in DC (DON’T LEAVE ME, DEREK); Hakeem has revenge sex with his dad’s trifling ex-fiancée (yuck); Jamal has gay sex to gospel music (enough said) and goes completely gangsta in more ways than one (i.e. rocking durag capes, singing acapella at underground rap battles, hemming up the enemy on the balcony of a mile-high building, etc., etc.); Terrence Howard sings…multiple times (I am seriously starting a Change.org petition to ban this from all future episodes of Empire); Andre finds Jesus (won’t He do it!); church girl who saved Andre (J. Hud) “spreads her legs to the devil” for a record deal (Andre’s words, not mine); Uncle Snoop busts a free style; Auntie Patti SLAYS (that song she and Jamal sang was the reinvention of life); Cookie runs Anika’s pearls (I. Hollered.) after trying to kill Lucious (I. Screamed.); Lucious finds out he doesn’t really have ALS and is not going to die (he actually has some random disease that is still chronic, but curable. Good one, Fox.), he sleep-talk confesses to killing Bunkie right before Cookie’s eyes (hence Cookie trying to kill him) and then bribes his family with gifts; Hakeem gets a jet (I know Creflo is so salty right now); Jamal gets Empire (he’s slowly turning into Lucious smh), Andre gets $100 million to start a foundation; Cookie gets a pillow (LOL!!!!); Andre’s wife (I will never know her name) kills Vernon seconds before telling Andre she’s preggers (perfect timing), Vernon snitches to the feds about Lucious killing Bunkie (before getting murked, of course); and Lucious gets arrested. Oh, and lots of “your God ain’t more powerful than me” references from Lucifer, I mean, Luscious, I mean Dwight Walker.
If Tyler Perry and Lee Daniels were to ever collaborate on a project, I’m pretty certain the TV would explode, like my head was about to after that mental overload of shenanigans.
Serious questions that need answers:
- Since she directed the season finale, does this mean Debbie Allen will be directing more episodes next season? If so, I don’t know how to feel.
- Has anyone found out whether or not Fox is funding research to help find a cure for ALS? Still waiting.
- Did Diddy watch the season finale? If so, did he feel awkward when Lucious got arrested for killing Biggie, I mean, Bunkie? Hmm…