So fall is officially here, which means all my main shows are back on: If Loving You Is Wrong, Empire, Scandal and How to Get Away with Murder (Viola’s Emmy acceptance speech slayed, yet gave so much life). That means my DVR storage space is about to be on fleek. But Empire might actually be getting an eviction notice after watching an hour of complete tomfoolery during the season 2 premiere.
Here are the 10 things that made me want to throw my TV out of the window after watching Empire:
- Cookie Lyon transforming from a gorilla to a peacock in the opening scene. That #FreeLucious concert had me so confused. For so many reasons. But nothing left me more perplexed than the scene in which a gorilla-suited Cookie is lowered onto the stage in a cage and unveils herself wearing a tacky, bird-looking ensemble showing an overt amount of side-boob. And the whole ‘gorilla in a cage’ symbolism was way too racist to ignore. But I mean, it’s Fox.
- Lucious playing basketball in jail. Because shooting hoops in prison validates the street cred of a rags-to-riches music executive. OK.
- Cookie’s girl-on-girl flirtationship. I don’t know which was funnier — Cookie flirting with another woman to try and land a deal, or Cookie lesbian-pimping out Anita right before the deal fell through. LOL!
- Chris Rock playing a hardcore drug kingpin. A joke.
- Precious-Becky and that blonde wig. Why do they keep doing this to her? Who is approving this? Please stop. It’s seriously not funny.
- Boo Boo Kitty twerking. No. Just no.
- The random Ru Paul queen serenading Jamal in his office. The sequin jacket s/he was wearing wasn’t even necessary. My eyes already had more than enough to look at. Oh, and the Donny McClurkin shade was extremely tacky.
- The escort-looking attorney prosecuting Lucious’ case. At first I thought she was seeing Lucious for a conjugal visit because homegirl was giving all the cleave. And even after I found out she was an attorney, I was still like, “She bouta hop over that table and sex him crazy — watch.” It’s gon’ happen. Just wait on it.
- Lucious’ remarkable hair growth. One scene he has a freshly shaven five ‘o clock shadow on his head, and the VERY NEXT SCENE he has a head full of new-growth. He must be taking Hairfinity.
- Jamal. I am no longer #TeamJamal. I’m all for forgiveness, but anyone who can vouch that hard for someone who threw them in a dumpster has some serious issues.
Hakeem, who coincidentally was my least favorite character on the show last season, was my saving grace for this episode. And that’s only because he was looking so frigging FOINE. All that said, I’m giving this season one more episode before I cancel my series recording.